


Learning the Various Effects of Life

by vintagepen



Category: Bad Education (UK TV)
Genre: Chaptered, M/M, bad education, hot wheels, long fic, mitchell and rem dogg
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-30
Updated: 2015-04-09
Packaged: 2018-03-04 08:31:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3052268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vintagepen/pseuds/vintagepen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All the episodes of bad education, focusing on the relationship of Mitchell Harper and Leslie "Rem Dogg" Remmington. How will Mitchell deal with his feelings for Rem Dogg, will he ever find out how his best friend feels like a burden due to his wheelchair, and more to come.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Good News and Bad News

**Author's Note:**

> please note this is the first fic ive written, ahaha, i am so so sorry
> 
> (my tumblr is vintagepen.tumblr.com feel free to tell me what you think of the fic there or in the comment section, thank you!!)

Rem Dogg woke up late as usual, he instantly rolled over to text his best friend, Mitchell Harper,  
My door  
20 mins.  
He then pulled himself out of bed and into the wheelchair next to his bed. He hated this thing, it was ugly and made it apparent to everyone how shitty and different he was. By the time we was in the chair and dressed, which itself was rather a large struggle, he only had about three minutes till Mitch was going to show up. He wheeled into the bathroom, brushing his teeth quickly, and then grabbed a brown bag his mother had left on the counter for him.  
“Oi! If we’re getting’ to hell any time soon ya better open the bloody door.” Rem Dogg could swear his entire shitty apartment block could hear Mitchell; he quickly rolled to the door where it sounded like his friend was trying to break it down with his knocks.  
“Calm the fuck down, I’m ‘ere, now let’s go.” Rem Dogg answered, grabbing his back from behind the door and putting it and the paper bag in his lap.  
“Ya think I’m pushin ya, ya got another thing comin’.” Mitchell said, waiting for Rem to stop packing away his lunch and get going.  
“You can put your bag in my lap, whatever.” Rem Dogg said, laying his own bag down flat. Within a few seconds Mitchell’s bag hit him square in the groin, making him shout multiple swear.  
“Calm down, Hot Wheels, didn’t hit ya that hard.” Mitchell said, pushing him down the hall to the less than respectable elevators.  
“I swear, you’ve got a bloody brick in ‘ere, Mitch.” Rem Dogg mumbled, pressing the down button on the side of the elevator.  
“Might, might not, the world will never know.” Mitchell replied as they entered the lift. The ride down was quick and a little bumpy, but by now they were both used to it.  
The walk/wheel to school was filled with penis jokes, and complaining about the lack of dates over the weekend.  
“Me mum was out Saturday night though, so I got a good wank in” Mitchell said, confident in sharing such information with his best friend.  
“I know, she was at mine” Rem Dogg replied, winking up at his friend  
“Oi! Watch it, Grand Turismo!” Mitchell said, hitting Rem Dogg on the top of his cap, but he couldn’t stay mad at Rem for long, and soon they were back to laughing way too loudly.

As they entered the school Mitchell was telling Rem Dogg about one time when he’d replaced an old woman’s cane with a fake one, and videoed as she picked it up, walked two steps, and fell over as it snapped in two.  
“I cant believe you did that!” Rem Dogg laughed, wheeling himself in, quickly followed by Mitchell,

“Rem Dogg, why’re you late?” Alfie said tiredly,  
“Wheelchair.” Rem Dogg said gesturing sharply at his chair to Alfie like he was the thickest person alive, and honestly, on “Hangover Mondays” he was,  
“And you, Mitchell?” Mr Wickers asked, turning his attention to the other boy,  
“This thing don’t push itself, does it?” Mitchell answered angrily, walking with Rem Dogg to the back of the classroom, and taking his seat.  
“Look, please, it’s Monday morning, I have a hangover. Joe, can you just go and see if that first aid box has got any Boroca in it?” Alfie said, leaning across his desk and pointing to the cupboards behind Rem Dogg.  
“Yes dad” Joe answered, almost instantly aware of the mistake he’d made. The classroom erupted into laughter, one voice rising above the rest.  
“Oh my days! He just called Mr Wickers dad, what a helmet!” Mitchell exclaimed, putting a pen in his mouth to chew on.  
“Shut up, Mitchell. At least he knows who his dad is” Alfie turned from the board and defended Joe, turning back around slowly when he was done.  
The class “ooh”d as Mitchells face drained of colour and he removed the pen, looking down at his desk and holding the pen tight. He thought back to his home life, his mum going in and out of the door with a steady stream of lovers; it was saddening to say the least.

 

Everyone lay on their desk, sleeping or resting, every now and them Mitchell would turn around and look at Rem Dogg, who wasn’t properly asleep, and would feel someone looking at him and look up. They’d make obscene gestures at each other for a few minutes, before putting their heads back down for a while, and then repeating.  
Everyone looked up with a start as the door slammed and Ms Pickwell entered  
“And that is how quiet Anne Frank and her family had to be to evade capture by the Nazis” Alfie said matter-of-factly, looking up at his class  
“Mr Wickers, I need the papers.” She said clearly, crossing her arms, ready for Alfie’s never ending bullshit, which he seemed to think was charming  
“You want to see my papers?” Alfie said, putting on a German accent, he never knew when not t joke, and who not to joke with.  
“The mock exam papers, Mr Wickers” She said tiredly  
Mr Wickers made a small gesture to himself and then her, “Nothing?” He looked slightly disappointed at the fact she hadn’t laughed at his poor joke, but quickly changed the subject. “Has anyone ever told you, you’d make a wonderful SS officer?”  
“Yes, now shall we just do this in my office?” She said, turning the conversation back to the matter at hand. Alfie answered with a quite agreement, and stood up, making a face to his students, and exiting less than gracefully.

 

As soon as Alfie left the classroom it erupted into conversation, laughs, and the occasional scream from Stephen. Rem Dogg and Mitchell were laughing and insulting each other, and saying they’d slept with the respective mother.  
“Alright, betting pool, gather round!” Mitchell called, turning around to do the betting at Rem Dogg’s desk, they’d figured they may as well get money out of being left alone in class, “Who’s got Dickers losing his job by the end of this week?” he called as people hushed, sitting around the desk.  
AJ put a five on the table, “By Friday.” he said confidently, Jing, who was standing in the back shook her head  
“Right, anyone game to match that?” Mitchell called, people shrugged, but no one put down more money. “AJ’s got by Friday then, which of yous gonna bet next?”  
Chantelle stepped forward, Stephen patting her on the arm, comforting her or something, no one ever knew with him, “Within the month for inappropriate conduct” she placed ten dollars on the table and looked around the room seductively, winking at nobody in particular.  
“And with that unsettling display, anyone care to match it?” Rem Dogg pipped up, looking around the room, two people nodded and threw down a twenty each.  
From there the betting continued, Jing only speaking once to force a kid not to put down a fifty for the next two months, she convinced him it wasn’t worth it. This obviously earned her more than a few glares from Mitchell and Rem Dogg, but they quickly got back to raking in the dough.  
Mitchell and Rem Dogg left the classroom five minutes before the bell was set to ring, it was hard enough to navigate the school and its shitty wheelchair access when the halls weren’t filled to the brim with rowdy pubescent students. Rem Dogg laughed with Mitchell as they went to grab a seat in the cafeteria, there were certainly benefits to being stuck in the awful wheelchair.  
“Right, Meals on Wheels,” Mitchell said, emptying his lunch onto the table, it consisted of a dry pack of 2 minute noodles, and apple, and a ham sandwich, “What’s for lunch?”  
Rem Dogg placed his food on the table too, an apple, a bottle of cola, some biscuits, and a small bag of crisps, “Stealing from the cripple, mate?” Rem Dogg accused  
“if I eat my lunch, I’ll be the cripple, this shits poison, I swear!” Mitchell defended himself  
“Fine, take your pick.” Rem Dogg sighed, taking the bottle before Mitchell could, “but this shits mine.” he said, opening his drink, he may or may not have poured a bit of rum in the previous night.  
“Whatever, I’ve got crisps and biscuits. “Mitchell smiled, opening up his bag and putting his crappy lunch and the biscuits in for later. A few minutes later the rest of their friends arrived, and sat down, eating their lunches.  
“Get any dates on the weekend, you two?” asked Stephen, delicately sipping from his juice box  
“Yeah.” Rem Dogg smiled proudly  
“You said you aint had no one” Mitchell exclaimed, hurt the information had been kept from him  
“Told you your mum come over, didn’t i?” Rem Dogg laughed, sticking his tongue out at Mitchell  
“So that’s why she puked when she got home.” Mitchell said thoughtfully  
“Calm down you two, no need for a cat fight” Stephen said, turning his attention to Chantelle so they could discuss her hook-ups over the weekend.

 

The lunch was over surprisingly quick, and soon they were all filing back into the classroom, surprisingly tame.  
“Class!” Alfie called as people walked by, “I’ve got good news and bad news, what do you want?”  
Jing put her hand up instantly, “the bad news!”  
“Well Jing,” Mr Wickers said, ignoring her request. “The good news is that today’s history module is Pearl Harbor, and we all know what that means!” he drummed his hands on the desk quickly, “Its class wars!”  
The class quickly got about moving desks to the side of the room, making an empty space in the middle. “Right. Okay, so, its December seventh nineteen forty one! We’re in Hawaii, a military port! The first thing we’re gonna require is some Americans! Andre, you’re Ben Affleck! Joe, Josh Hartnett!” He tossed hats at the two boys and then pointed to Rem Dogg, “Rem Dogg, you’re a tank.”  
Rem Dogg and Mitchell we’re pleased with what had been chosen, getting back to setting up quickly.  
“Next up I’m gonna need a nurse!” Alfie pulled out a nurses hat, and walked towards Stephen and Chantelle, “Where’s my Bekinsale?”  
Stephen and Chantelle were twisted up with each other, trying to get to Alfie first  
“Please, sir, I’m great with cancer, I know all the words to ‘Beaches’.” Stephen said  
Alfie pushed the nurse hat into Stephens chest, “Alright, you can be Bekinsale.” He said softly  
Rem Dogg and Mitchell quietly laughed at Chantelle’s rejected face, and Stephens desperation to be a nurse,  
“What a pansy.” Mitchell leaned down and whispered to Rem Dogg  
“Like you can talk.” Rem Dogg laughed  
Before Mitchell could say anything, they both saw Alfie’s interactions, and we’re quickly repulsed by his blatant racism.  
Alfie had pulled a Japanese headband out of the box, “Now finally, we require a member of The Japanese Imperial Air force.” he said, walking up behind Jing, ready to tie it around her head. “The emperor would be proud of you, my lotus flower” he said in a shitty Japanese accent.  
“She’s Chinese, you muppet!” Rem Dogg said angrily, Jing looked at him thankfully, but Alfie just put his hands up and turned around,  
“I know…” He said in possibly the least convincing voice anyone had ever heard.  
Mitchell looked down at Rem Dogg, calming him down quickly but miming to punch him, though if Rem Dogg hadn’t said something, he probably would’ve, and in a much less polite way too.  
Alfie grabbed some pens from a cup on his desk and turned around with them throughout his fingers, a crazed look in his eyes, “Alright, positions, its kamikaze time!”  
“Wait, sir,” Joe said quickly, “what about the bad news?”  
Alfie shrugged, trying to make what he was about to say seem like no big deal, “Um, urgh, you might, probably, almost definitely, are all gonna fail your mock exams…”  
“What do you mean we’re going to fail? Exclaimed rem Dogg, outraged, sure Wickers was a good teacher, sometimes, but when he wasn’t he put Fraser to shame.  
“It’s complicated alright? I don’t want to bore you with it. The important lesson here is for you to look for the positives in failure.” At this point, Rem Dogg was absolutely furious, Mitchell looked down at him worried, he’d only seen Rem this angry a couple of times, and it often ended with someone’s toes being broken by a wheel. “Like, for example, my grandad.” Alfie said, scraping for something to get the kids off his back, “He suffered failure, lung failure, which meant that I inherited a Volvo” Mitchell stopped trying to calm down Rem Dogg and looked up in disgust at his teacher, “So remember that, always look for the Volvo.”  
Mitchell was utterly done with this teacher, he thought back to the betting, cursing himself for not putting down a twenty for “within the next month”. Alfie tried to continue the class wars, but Joe interrupted him, saying what they all were thinking,  
“Alfie, we can’t fail, my dad’ll kill me.” Joe said flatly  
“Don’t be silly” answered Alfie dismissively, Mitchell looked up and reiterated Joes point  
“My dad’ll kill you” he said, Alfie rocked on his legs for a second  
“Well. I mean, I guess I could mark some of them…” he trailed off  
“Listen you mug, you need to mark all of them.” Rem Dogg butted in  
“yeah,” Mitchell agreed with Rem, leaning forward, “you don’t wanna see my dad when hes angry, he used to train in the same gym as David Hay.” he leant back, looking pleased, but his threat hadn’t worked quite that well, Rem Dogg noticed and added that Sally Gunnel also went to the gym, and Alfie was both shocked and frightened, instantly agreeing to mark all the papers.

 

From there class wars continued as normal,  
“As I was saying,” Alfie continued, the class becoming slightly more relaxed, “It was a quite morning in Pearl Harbor, but not in Tokyo!” he spun around and pointed at Jing, “It is December 7th in America, but in Japan, its December 8th, what are you doing to do today?” he said excitedly  
Jing sighed and replied flatly, “I’m going to invade Pearl Harbor along with the rest of the Japanese Imperial Navy, in an attempt to keep the US Pacific Fleet from interfering with the military actions of The Empire of Japan.”  
“Correct! And Rem Dogg, from the point of the Americans, when did the attack commence?” he shouted, spinning to face the boy  
“Don’t know, bout the last time you got laid?” he said snarkily  
“Well, Rem Dogg, I wasn’t born then, so the jokes on you” he replied matter-of-factly  
“Ha! What a knob head!” Mitchell laughed, high-fiving Rem Dogg,  
“For your information, it commenced at exactly 7:48 AM!” he said, moving on from the embarrassing turn of events.  
Mitchell and Rem Dogg continued to laugh at Alfie throughout the lesson. Every now and then Mitchell would look down at Rem, his features radiant, Mitchells gaze would soften but he quickly mentally slapped himself, he wasn’t a poof, and neither was his best friend.

 

Alfie finished setting up a fort made of about 3 desks at the front of the room, “Rem Dogg, this is a Japanese barricade, you know what to do!”  
Rem Dogg’s path was cleared and he wheeled to the back of the room, “Ready?” he called out  
“Fuck yeah!” Mitchell called from the other side of the room where he’d positioned himself near the door, ready to run for the school nurse in case anything went wrong. Rem Dogg raced towards the desk, hitting them with a loud crash, Stephen screamed and the desks broke away from each other. Mitchell rushed over to where Rem Dogg was now lying on his back, his wheels in the air  
“Don’t be a pussy,” he said, walking around the back of the chair, ready to push it up, “holdin on?” he asked, Rem Dogg nodded, a little dazed, and Mitchell sat him up.  
“Uhh sir, I’m pretty sure this never happened…” Jing said, standing up next to Mr Wickers  
“Yeah well Jing, who’s the teacher here?” he asked, Jing looked a little taken aback, but as she was about to answer he interrupted her, “Yeah. That’s what I thought” he smiled, and Jing walked away angrily.  
Since Rem Dogg had already done his part in class wars, and Mitchell hadn’t been given one in the first place, they sat at the back of the room, Mitchell sitting on the desk whilst Rem Dogg watched the class begin to finish the final battle.  
“Oi mate.” Mitchell said, getting his friends focus from where he was watching the class  
“What?” Rem Dogg said looking up  
“I got a bit of a problem, wondered if you could help?”  
“Depends, what’s up?” Rem Dogg asked, wheeling back a bit so his neck wasn’t at such an uncomfortable angle  
“Well there’s this girl, right fit bird, and I wanna know how I can get her interested in this sack of shit.” Mitchell said, gesturing to his whole body  
“Well I dunno, what’s she like?”  
“I dunno, she’s funny, bit rude, kinda mean but I like that. Y’know?” Mitchell began  
“No you helmet, I mean what she like to do?” rem Dogg interrupted him before he could embarrass himself more  
“Oh uh, video games and shit, I dunno…” Mitchell said, scolding himself for going all soppy on Rem Dogg, frankly it wasn’t professional.  
“Well talk to her about games and shit.” Rem Dogg said, “You should talk to Chantelle or Stephen bout this crap, not like I’ll know a thing.” He turned his attention back to class wars, just as the United States claimed Midway Island.  
“Hey, Jing” Rem Dogg called, just as the bell rung, she looked over at him but he shook his head and mouthed ‘never mind’ there was no point in trying to figure out what had just happened, he had to focus on getting out without breaking peoples feet. He hadn’t been let go early which meant he had to try and get around in the uncomfortably tight halls, he wheeled to the front of the class, followed closely by Mitchell  
“Don’t worry mate, you’ll be fine.” Mitchell comforted him, patting his shoulder  
“I know, just fuckin small spaces…” he trailed off. Their exchange had been quick and quiet, so nobody noticed Rem Dogg’s claustrophobia; Mitchell pushed him out into the sea of people as Rem Dogg shut his eyes tightly for a few seconds, his knuckles white on the arms of his chair. Soon people were clearing out of his way and he could open his eyes again. They went to their next class, which passed uneventfully, having Ms Pickwell as their teacher, they dared not make a fuss of anything.

After that was History, again, when he entered the board was a mess, it was depressing as fuck, with crudely draw dead stick figures and messy writing about pain and loneliness written in red blue and black everywhere, covering the entire white square.  
Alfie sat at his desk mumbling about the papers on his desk and pushing them over weakly.  
After a few minutes of the class sitting in total silence Rem Dogg got Alfie’s attention from the back of the class. Mr Wickers mumbled about work for less than a second, and limply threw his arm on the desk.  
“Oh stop being such a pussy, it’s just a girl.” Mitchell explained, fed up with his teachers moping  
“That is very perceptive.” Alfie muttered in response  
“Oh, huh, no, what I meant to say was, stop being such a girl, its only pussy.” he said, slightly amused by his own jumbling of words.  
Chantelle instantly got to work, trying to seduce Alfie again, asking if he would be looking for a rebound, or pity sex. Alfie ignored her, weakly saying how he felt like he’d been kicked in the balls with a football to the power of Mufasa dying in Lion King. Stephen got up and slapped him, telling him to snap out of it. As Alfie was discussing the power of Stephens slap Rem Dogg took the opportunity to wheel to the front of the room and slap Mr Wickers himself, telling him to man up.  
Alfie held his face, saying the hitting wasn’t quite necessary,  
“Sorry, I just wanted to hit you.” Rem Dogg said, only slightly guilty, going back to his desk quickly.  
“Come on guys,” Mitchell began, “Mr Wickers may be a bit of a twat, but despite being a twat, don’t get me wrong, he is definitely a twat-“

 

“I think we get the picture.” Alfie interrupted  
“But if he don’t mark that shit then he could get fired.” The class turned to face him as he continued despite Alfie’s interruption, “Then we could end up with a real teacher. We can say goodbye to class wars and ‘ello to ‘omework. Screw that.” Mitchell finally realized, now happy he hadn’t bet on Alfie loosing his job, an air of worry settled over the class,  
“Oh god, my parents might send me to one of them all girls schools where you’re not allowed electric toothbrushes or doorhandles or anything!” Chantelle said, the panic rising in her voice.  
Jing stormed up to the front of the class,  
“你為什麼不承認你是如何無能是不干” she said distraughtly, throwing some papers at Mr Wickers  
“Of course, Jing!” Alfie said, having a kind of epiphany, “you guys can mark them! We’ll do the pass to the left method! Why didn’t I think of that?” he scrunched the paper up in his hands in excitement, the spread his arms wide, “Hooray for Jing!” he said, shaking his fists in the air. The class cheered and clapped as Jing stood at the front of the class, angry and slightly confused.  
“You’re a joke.” She said firmly, walking back and dropping less than gracefully into her chair. Alfie continued to celebrate quickly, before they got to work.  
Everyone breezed through the marking, meaning Alfie chose to let everyone out early, mainly so he could find Rosie, but also as a kind of thanks to the class for saving his ass.

 

Rem Dogg and Mitchell entered the cafeteria and sat down in their normal spot, Rem Dogg took out his rum and cola, chugging what was left of it, Mitchell laughed as he let out a hearty burp. Mitchell took out the food he’d stolen from Rem Dogg and began eating.  
“So, who is she?” Rem Dogg asked  
“Don’t matter.” Mitchell replied, focusing on his food  
“At least tell me if I know her?” Rem Dogg continued  
“Well I’d assume you’d know your mum” he laughed  
“And Id ‘ssume you’d know your dad, but...” He winked, if it had been anyone else Mitchell would’ve king hit them there and then, but since it was Rem Dogg he only stood up and pushed his chair in the opposite direction, laughing at his friend’s surprise.  
“Having a domestic, guys?” Joe sat down across from where Rem Dogg was rolling himself back to Mitchell  
“Shut up McNugget.” Mitchell said, clicking his fingers like he did every time he made an insult he was proud of,  
“Uh, sorry, I just wanted to join in…” Joe trailed off, looking at Rem Dogg  
“Well don’t.” Rem Dogg said, stealing a biscuit from Mitchell  
Mitchell hit Rem Dogg over the head and then turned back to Joe, “need something?” he said flatly  
“Uh yeah, I just wondered if you guys were busy after school?” he said quietly  
“Yeah!” Rem Dogg said a little too loudly, “bangin his mum.” he jabbed his thumb in Mitchells direction and laughed.  
Mitchell hit him lightly on the back of the head again, and turned back to Joe, “We’re probably gamin. At my place. Where you can’t go.” He said clearly  
“Oh uh sorry, I’ll leave you two then…” Joe said, walking off, going back to sit with AJ.  
“We aint actually gamin, sorry mate.” Mitchell said, finishing his biscuits  
“Why not?” Rem Dogg asked, slightly hurt, but reluctant to show it  
“Like that fit bird says ‘nothing compares to a quiet evening alone’, y’know?” Mitchell said, quoting some song he’d heard on the radio  
“Yeah mate, I know what you mean” Rem Dogg said, “Let’s go do shit.” he said hanging his back on the handles of his chair securely, Mitchell stood up and put his bag over his shoulder.  
They went out into the court yard, where people were riding bikes, and break dancing, they decided to go over and watch one of the dancers. They were transfixed by his smooth, fast movements as he flipped, and did one-handed handstands, it was amazing. Rem Dogg looked up at Mitchells impressed expression sadly, he wished he could impress him like that, but his bloody chair ruined everything. He was surprised Mitchell was even his friend when he had the wheelchair, it was a burden for everyone in Rem Dogg’s opinion. Though it did come in handy when for Mitchell when he was tired, he could just lean on it and push them both home slowly.

 

Rem Dogg was dragged away from his thoughts as the bell rang sharp and loud, and he went to class quickly, leaving Mitchell to saunter far behind him.  
“Mate, what the fuck was that about?” Mitchell said, sitting in his usual desk and turning around to face Rem Dogg, before the other boy could answer Alfie walked into the room, and put two signs up at the back of the class,  
“Who’s ready to learn about segregation in South Africa?” He said cheerily, walking up and writing APARTHEID in big letters on the board. “Equal number of desks to each side, you figure out who sits where!” he said, going to the front of the class and fiddling with some things on his laptop, most likely on Facebook.  
Joe, Chantelle, Mitchell, and Rem Dogg were on the right side, closest to the door, and the rest of the class sat on the “Black” side, out numbering the “White” side by four people.  
Joe and Chantelle finished dragging their desk over, and Mitchell had finished dragging his second desk over to make each side the same length, whilst Rem Dogg was struggling with his first, his wheelchair was being an ass again and he couldn’t drag the desk, instead he’d just roll back to it.  
“Need a hand, mate?” Mitchell asked as everyone sat down,  
“I’m good, thanks.” He said, trying to drag it again, Mitchell went to grab it and drag it over for him but Rem hit his hand away  
Joe saw what was happening and quickly got up, without a word moving Rem Dogg’s desk for him, Rem Dogg thanked him and finally everyone was sat down. Mitchell glanced cautiously at Rem Dogg, looking away quickly as Rem Dogg looked back; Alfie looked up from the laptop.  
“Alright, so can anyone tell me what an apartheid is?” he called out, immediately Jing’s hand shot up, “anyone besides Jing?” he added  
The class just looked at one another, finally Alfie gave in “Alright Jing, what’s an apartheid?” he said, instantly Jing’s eyes lit up and a wave of information rushed out her mouth,  
“A system of racial segregation in South Africa enforced through legislation by the National Party governments, the ruling party from 1948 to 1994, under which the rights, associations, and movements of the majority black inhabitants were curtailed and Afrikaner minority rule was maintained” she said, running out of breath  
“Right!” Alfie said, spinning happily, something had gotten into him but the class was too focused to ask, “Now who can tell me what segregation is?” he said, looking at Mitchell,  
“Uhh its where…” Mitchell said, unsure, and not able to come up with a rude retort, Rem Dogg took pity and finished the sentence for him, or rather Joe told Rem Dogg so that he could make up with Mitchell or something, Joe wasn’t quite sure what was happening if he was honest,  
“its splitting people apart based on race and shit.” Rem Dogg said loudly, then a tiny bit quieter he added “spread far apart as Mitchs parents” a quite ripple of laughter was sent through the class as Mitchell hit Rem Dogg with his own hat, smiling, they were back to normal as far as he could tell.  
“Thank you, Rem Dogg.” Alfie said, slightly flat, he then saw Miss Gulliver approaching the door and rushed to hold it shut, “Joe, I am going to need you to go ahead and hide in the cupboard.” he said hurriedly, pressing against the door.  
Joe got up without question as Alfie hurried him along, once Joe was in the cupboard the class faced the door to watch the exchange about to unfold, it wasn’t as much of a disaster as the class had hoped, and as Alfie was impatiently shutting the door Joe asked to come out from the cupboard.  
The class looked at each other and then to their teacher, awaiting his pathetic cover up  
He explained how it was apparently Nelson Mandela in the cupboard, “Sorry Mandy, 1989, one more year! Crack on, you’ve got a book to write!” Miss Gulliver look confused as she left awkwardly.  
As Alfie lent against the door Rem Dogg exclaimed about how attractive Ms Gulliver was,  
“She is hot man, like proper spice.” Mitchell joined in  
“No she aint!” Chantelle argued crossing her arms, Alfie walked over to her and attempted to resolve the problem,  
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder –Shakespeare.” he said walking by  
“它實際上是從聖經，白痴.” Jing said, opening her book  
“Shakespeare, Jing, uh he was an English writer who wrote Romeo and Juliet, and The Kings Speech.” He explained, walking towards the cupboard where Joe still was. When he opened it Joe was taking ventolin with his knees up to his chest,  
“Hey” Alfie said, sitting down next to the cupboard, “So you know the way I’m your favourite teacher in the whole world? Well I need a little favour from my favourite pupil.”  
“You are always asking me to do you favours.” Joe argued  
“No I’m not, give me one.” He challenged, as the class talked amongst themselves,  
“What’s with you, mate?” Mitchell asked Rem Dogg, turning his chair to face him properly  
“The fuck you mean?” Rem Dogg challenged  
“Wouldn’t let me help you with the desk, was just gonna suggest you put brakes on or something”  
“Oh, hadn’t thought of that.” Rem Dogg dead panned, “they’re broken.”  
“How the fuck was I s’possed to know that?” Mitchell challenged him  
“Don’t fuckin know…” Rem Dogg mumbled looking down at his lap, before Mitchell could continue Joe sat back down in his seat and the lesson continued again, in the end everyone was having a political debate, which surprised everyone, they were unaware that they had the potential to actually be serious for a minute, excluding Mitchell who would constantly interrupt with one rude joke or another, but Alfie would quickly settle the class back down so they could continue working.  
At the end of the class Alfie dismissed Rem Dogg early, and Mitchell stood up to go with him, but with a stern gaze from Mitchell he quickly sat back down and watched as Rem Dogg wheeled out of the class room.  
Mitchell couldn’t think of what he’d done wrong, but he was sure it would pass, Rem Dogg was just PMS-ing as far as he was concerned, it’d be over by the end of the week.

 

Soon the bell went and everybody headed to their next class; Art. Their teacher was Ms Vandaby, who was pretty relaxed about what they did, and there was a rumour going around that she was a stoner, which wasn’t unlikely. The desks in the art room were higher than normal, and all of the students sat on stools, including Rem Dogg. It was somewhat difficult to get up, having limited use of his legs due to his “brittle bones” but he managed it nonetheless. Normally it was easier with Mitchells help, though it made him feel shitty to be that weight on Mitchell’s shoulders, and today it would’ve made things worse, so he did it himself. It took him longer than normal but he managed it.  
He just finished setting up for the class as everyone started walking in, before he entered the room had been empty and quiet, the sudden noise was unpleasant, but he would be used to it in a few seconds.  
Mitchell sat next to him, pulling out his art book and stealing one of the pencils Rem Dogg had out,  
“Oi! Stealing again?” Rem Dogg accused, leaving out the cripple part,  
“Nah, just borrowing permanently” Mitchell laughed as the teacher entered, writing quickly on the board before sitting down and opening her computer, doing god knows what, probably searching for some trashy clothes with weed leaf print on it.  
The board simply had “FREE TIME” written on it in sloppy handwriting, and slowly but surely the class began to go wild, it begun with Mitchell flicking a bit of paint at Stephen, and soon escalated to full blown paint wars, most of the kids hiding under the desks. Before too much damage could be done to uniforms Ms Vandaby finally stepped in, saying the next person to so much as drop paint on the floor would be directly taken to Pickwell, which set the class straight as they all got back to being on their phones or doing some art.  
Rem Dogg was working really hard on something, he’d been working on it at home and sometimes at lunch when he could. He hated to admit how committed to it he was, it was so dumb. No one could see it though, it was for his eyes only. As he was madly sketching away on the rough A4 paper Mitchell leaned over to try and see what it was, but Rem Dogg quickly closed his book,  
“That a surprise for me?” Mitchell joked, winking  
“You wish” Rem Dogg replied, looking over at Mitchells paper, he’d crudely drawn Alfie standing at what Rem Dogg could only assume was the front of the class, getting pelted with eggs,  
“So what is it then?” Mitchell said, leaning in closer to try and see through the semi-transparent book cover, but sadly there were other pages over it  
“Ya mum.” Rem Dogg said ironically, shoving Mitchell away, the other boy decided to leave it, and got back to colouring his drawing, keeping mostly within the lines. Mitchell wasn’t the best artist out there, but he wasn’t the worst either.  
Class finished early due to the parents evening, that pretty much everyone in Form K was dreading, including Jing. As they filed out of the art room they talked about how their parents were going to react if they failed, Rem Dogg as the last to leave as he refused Mitchells help to get back in his chair.  
When they got to the auditorium all the chairs were set up, and Alfie was already in there, his crocs up on the table, everyone filed in, milling around nervously before other teachers came in, the students decided to go outside and spend some time in the courtyard, where other classes already were. Some people were breakdancing like usual but Rem Dogg decided to stay away from them this time, instead he went to go sit in the shade near some nerdy kids. They shuffled away from him cautiously but he ignored them, pulling out his art book and continuing to work on his drawing. It was of him and Mitchell throwing tampons at traffic wardens, but unlike in real life, Rem Dogg was standing next to Mitchell laughing with him, not in his chair. He was busy working on the rough background when Mitchell came up to him, saying it was time to go into the interview. Time had gone by so quickly he hadn’t even realised it was already 4:20.  
Rem Dogg went in behind Mitchell, going to the table his parents were at, they’d arrived early and were talking with his art teacher; he wheeled in next to them, his parents nodding a quick ‘hello’ before going back to talking with his teacher.

 

Mitchell’s parents went through the teachers at a respectable speed, some saying he had potential but didn’t use it and all that crap, others outright saying he should give up now. His parents obviously didn’t care, the man his mum was with now had known him for about a week, and his mum knew he’d just sell drugs or something when he was out of school.  
Half way through talking to his maths teacher he looked around the room, eyes landing on Rem Dogg and his family, he tried to distract himself and quickly noticed Rem Dogg’s dad  
“Oh shit! Rem Dogg’s dads got a glass eye! What a penis!” he exclaimed pointing and snapping his fingers proudly, he obviously didn’t see Rem Dogg press himself down in his chair in embarrassment, he wondered if Mitchell thought the same about him for having a wheel chair.  
Alfie looked at Mitchell who smiled proudly back and then his parents finished with the math teacher, moving on to the next one slowly as they were nearing the end of the night. They talked with his English teacher only briefly before everyone was instructed to stand in front of the stage, for Ms Gulliver’s talk on Palmers Syndrome.  
It was boring as Mitchell stood with his mum and her boyfriend, who he admittedly got along well with, then suddenly Alfie jumped out of the crowd, doing some obscure impression, a murmur ran through the crowd, and Mitchell knew this was gonna be good. Alfie continued to talk about Ms Mollinson’s drinking issues, but was stopped by Ms Gulliver,  
“Alfie, not now,” she said softly, “So I would like to tell you a story about a brave, brave woman, who this year lost her battle with Palmers Syndrome. A remarkable woman, Joes mum. Emma Poulter.” Ms Gulliver was chocking up slightly, and she sounded like she was about to cry, suddenly a woman rushed to the front of the crowd.  
“Hang on! Who?” she exclaimed  
“Free booze!” Alfie interrupted  
“What’s going on?” She continued, looking around  
“Some people find loss very hard to take…” Alfie said, stepping backwards slightly  
“Emma Poulter isn’t dead.” The woman said confidently, everyone was shocked, no one more than Ms Gulliver.  
“Denial! First stage of grief!” Alfie said quickly, looking at people for support,  
“I’m Emma Poulter” The woman challenged  
“Second stage! Identity theft!” Alfie said, shrinking back in on himself, he wasn’t going to win.  
Mitchell was baffled as the exchange continued, he knew something bad was gonna happen, but he certainly hadn’t expected this. Everyone watched as Alfie climbed onto a chair, starting what was going to be an ‘inspirational’ speech. Ms Gulliver began speaking about fingers, then Ms Pickwell began to drag Alfie to her office but suddenly Joe stepped forward.  
“Wait! Wait, it’s not his fault,” he said, looking up at Alfie, “I did it! I just wanted to make Mr Wickers happy, I just wanted to show off to him… he’s the dad I never really had.” He finished softly, Ms Pickwell rolled her head back in exasperation.  
Am man standing in front of Mitchell stepped forward, “but... I’m your dad…” he said, and Mitchell began to chuckle lightly, this was a fucking trainwreck.

 

Miss Gulliver, clearly embaressed asked everyone to “just go drink and leave” as she walked angrily off the stage to give Alfie a tounge lashign (theres gotta be a better word for that). Mitchells Mum and boyfriend decided to leave rather quickly, and thus he did too, not before looking for Rem Dogg, youd think he’d be easy to find in a sea of people, but apparently not. He finally spotted him by the drinks table, two wine glasses in his hands, one already empty, the other about halfway done. He walked up to him,  
“Sup, wheels? Mum n I just leavin, thought I’d say see ya.” He said, clapping a hand on Rem Doggs shoulder, Rem Dogg shrugged it off,  
“Yeha, see ya mate…” he said quietly before going over to his parents, Mitchell was a bit taken aback but decided to leave it, walking back to his mum and her partner,  
“Lets go then.” His mum said quickly, walking out of the room daintily, followed by the large man who Mitchell was expected to call Dad. The day had be interesting to say the least, Mitchell just wished he knew what was wrong with Rem Dogg.


	2. No seriously, What Is A Glitorish?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The "French exchange" students are here, and there's only one question that really matters; what is a glitorish?

Mitchell didn’t sleep much that night, he was too busy thinking, and his parents were having loud enthusiastic sex in the other room, but mainly because he was deep in thought.  
Whilst his parents banged away he thought about that “girl” he liked, truth be told they weren’t a girl, it was Rem Dogg, well he could be a girl for all Mitchell knew, but in his opinion it was unlikely, Rem Dogg would’ve told him by now.  
He woke up late, having gotten approximately 3 hours of sleep, his phone buzzed and he groggily sat up to answer the text message, it was Rem Dogg asking where the fuck he was, he was meant to be at school half an hour ago. Mitchell swore under his breath, getting quickly out of bed and getting dressed. He liked to give off the impression he didn’t mind being tardy, but honestly he really liked to walk there early with Rem Dogg. He mentally slapped himself for how cheesy that was, and continued with his morning routine, brushing his teeth as he picked up his home made putrid lunch, he didn’t know why he even brought it to school, probably to threaten someone with or something, he would’ve chuckled at the thought of threatening someone with an egg sandwich, but it was all too real.  
He eventually made it to school, walking lazily up to the door his first class, today was probably the worst day for him to be late, he had English with Ms Pickwell, and she was not happy. When he remembered it was her he quietly tried to sneak into the back of the room where he and Rem Dogg sat, as he slipped in through a crack of the door he sighed with relief, she wasn’t facing him, instead writing impeccably neatly on the board, as he inched closer to the end of the room, his back against the wall, she spun around with lightning speed, instantly Mitchell thought of a cobra, but he said nothing.  
“And where do you think you have been?” She said, her words articulated as anything,  
“Uhh…” was all Mitchell could manage, he was too scared to make a snarky comment, even with the whole class watching him,  
“I will see you in my office at second lunch.” She said sharply, spinning back to the board. Mitchell let out a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding, and walked quickly to his seat, flopping down in it. Rem Dogg glanced at him, his pitiful eyes met with the anger of Mitchells, and he turned away. The class continued without a beat, and soon it was time to go to the assembly hall and watch Stephens ‘presentation on gender equality’ or whatever. If Mitchell was honest, he found the whole topic very interesting, but he’d never admit it.  
__________________________________________________________________________________

Everyone was sitting quietly, Mitchell and Rem Dogg in the middle of the third row, a pretty great view. The lights when down, and Rem Dogg and Mitchell looked at each other excitedly, the scantily clad students positioned on the stage.  
The show was relatively long, going on to lunch time, the kids left slowly as the parents crowded around the door. Mitchell, Rem Dogg and the dancers were the last out the door, everyone high-fiving each other on the amazing performance.  
The cafeteria was filled by the time they got to it, their usual spot taken by some jackasses, Mitchell wanted to fight them for the spot, but Rem Dogg dragged him away, instead opting to sit outside, he wasn’t in the mood for a fight. They sat on a garden wall, under a tree, near the emo kids.  
Rem Dogg sat silently, occasionally looking over at the break dancers, nut Mitchell being Mitchell thought nothing of it. They sat quietly and his mind began to drift, like last night, almost instantly to Rem Dogg. Only this time he was thinking of rem Dogg dancing in one of the outfits the girls were wearing in the ‘presentation on gender equality’. He sat for a moment before slapping himself about it and pressing on the inside of his elbow to draw blood to his forearm, just in case.  
After the abnormally silent lunch was history/hella awkward sex ed, which no one was looking forward to. Form K entered the room quietly, Alfie sitting on his desk in silence.  
It was at least fifteen minutes before anyone said anything,  
“Yeah…” Alfie said awkwardly, “So… we’re all good… talking about the… lady parts… and boy parts…” he trailed off as the class watched him, their eyes dead. Another few minutes went by before he spoke again, “Sex was invented by… the romans…” he said, not entirely sure of what he was saying.  
“Right, Rem Dogg! Give me your hat.” Alfie said, and Rem Dogg tossed it across the room, slightly confused, “Right, now everyone write down a question about uhhh this stuff on some paper, I’ll come around and collect them in the hat, and answer them anonymously at the end of the class”. Everyone wrote down a few questions, some more interesting than others.  
“Draw some on the board, sir.” Chantelle encouraged, pushing her chest forward,  
“Uh, yes! Good idea Chantelle.” Alfie said, standing up to get to work on the board, he had no idea what he was doing though.  
First he very slowly drew a mangled side view of a woman’s lower torso, the class watched in dead silence, everyone knowing he knew less than them, even Joe and AJ knew more. After a few more failed drawings and completely off labelling he finally admitted he had absolutely no idea what he was doing, giving up.  
“Hey, sir! Why don’t you draw a frogs dick on the board so Joe knows what he’s gonna be sucking on next weak!” Mitchell called out, leaning forward, his comment earning a hearty laugh from Rem Dogg, but no one else.  
“You’re an idiot.” Alfie said quickly, and then turned to Joe who was now sitting at his desk looking sadly into nothing; Alfie began a pep talk as Mitchell turned around to get a high-five from Rem Dogg. “You might enjoy it…” Alfie finished,  
“I’d rather shit in my hand and clap!” Rem Dogg interrupted, earning another high-five from Mitchell.  
Joe began to complain about how he was the only one going to France, Mitchell turned around quickly,  
“Let’s mess with him.” Mitchell said quietly, pointing at Joe and nodding, Rem Dogg nodded quickly, smiling in delight.  
Alfie was listing off “not weird farmers” when Joe mentioned how they’d sent him some cheese,  
“Probably made from the farmers wife’s tit milk.” He said happily, laughing to himself,  
“Don’t be stupid.” Alfie said tiredly  
“They do that, I read it in ‘Nuts’” He challenged as the read of the class wondered what the fuck ‘Nuts’ was.  
“Yeah,” Rem Dogg joined in, “And you’re gonna have to wank off a cow.” He said, Mitchell quickly agreeing with him,  
“Why on Earth would he have to do that?” Alfie said, about as confused as that some someone called him and Atticus Hoy gay for playing with each others hair as they fell asleep (what? It was very calming!).  
“To get milk, you pagan.” Rem Dogg said, sounding disgusted,  
“You genuinely think that’s where milk comes from?” Alfie asked, bewildered. Most of the class nodded in response, and Alfie decided to continue with his preaching of France, being interrupted by Jing once, before he continued with the class.  
“Okay, lets do this, and remember, its all anonymous, so you’ve got nothing to worry about.” He said, reaching into the hat, as everyone looked on curiously. “Should I stop strangling when their lips go blue?” He read out confidently “Right, I’m not even going to dignify that with a response, Mitchell” he said, dropping the paper on his desk  
“Sir!” Mitchell said looking around at everyone unfolding his arms and avoiding Rem Doggs eyes as the boy behind him pointed and giggled quietly and everyone else looked at him weirdly.  
Alfie continued, ignoring Mitchells quick outburst, “Will any of the French exchange boys be on Grindr? Steven, I have no idea.” He said  
“Lucky dip then” Stephen said, slightly disappointed  
Alfie pulled out another piece of paper, complaining about the lack of serious questions, though Mitchells was entirely serious, he didn’t want to kill someone during sex, “He’s 23 I’m 15; what will it feel like? Illegal, Chantelle!” Alfie said, frankly disgusted.  
The class looked around, hoping theirs might’ve been vague enough to remain anonymous. “Finally, a sensible one!” Alfie exclaimed as he opened up the next one, “Where is the G spot? Well Rem Dogg, it’s uhh, it’s, it’s up there, take a left…” He trailed as his voice got higher, all the boys looked at Rem Dogg with pity, and the girls looked at him like he had just asked if he was in a wheelchair. Rem Dogg didn’t have the heart to tell the teacher how that one wasn’t his, he’d rather he had asked that one anyway.  
Mitchell turned around to him and just shrugged at him, and Rem Dogg smiled and nodded quickly before looking back down at his desk.  
“Right, next one, what happens if you finish early?” Alfie said, snorting, the whole class was looking at Joe, who was blushing bright red, “Uh Joe, it’s nothing to be ashamed of-.” Alfie burst into laughter before he could even finish answering the question.  
After a few moments the laughter subsided and Alfie moved on, “How do I know I’m gay?” He said, a little bit too loud, “Well, AJ, you’d have to ask Stephen about that one.” AJ looked just as scandalized and cheated as Mitchell did, looking around wildly as people shot accusing glares at him,  
“No, no I’m not-.” He was cute off by the bell as everybody packed up, no one listening to a word he said.  
“We’ll uhh, we’ll continue this next lesson…” Alfie called out as everyone walked away

__________________________________________________________________________________

All that was left for the day was a 45 minute lunch break, and another sex ed class. Mitchell couldn’t wrap his head around why they had to do two of these classes, but if it made it all finish sooner he guessed it was alright.  
“Oi, snap out of it!” Rem Dogg said loudly, snapping his fingers in front of Mitchells face, Mitchell flinched backwards so far he fell off his seat in the cafeteria, much to everyone’s amusement. As he sat back up Rem Dogg was still pointing and laughing at him,  
“Yeah? Well least I know where the G-Spot is.” He said smugly  
“I know where it’s at!” Rem Dogg protested  
“Oh yeah? why’d you hand in the question?” Mitchell challenged him, and with the look on Rem Dogg’s face he knew he’d won, “Exactly.” He said, clicking his fingers, “Now what’s lunch?”  
“Nothin for you.” Rem Dogg said, taking out his biscuits, which Mitchell always stole, and finally having tasted one himself he could see why.  
“Now mate, you know I’ll die if I eat this.” Mitchell tried to reason  
“Yeah,” Rem Dogg said, holding back his laughter, “your lips might go blue.” The people around them snorted as they tried to hold back their laughter.  
“At least I know how to make a chick scream.” Mitchell shot back quickly, some hushed “ooh”s echoed around their table, and Rem Dogg sunk back into the chair, throwing the bag of biscuits at Mitchell  
“Yeah, you won that one…” He said, smiling quickly

__________________________________________________________________________________

Everyone was seated and ready for their last class of the day, a double of “history” followed by a quick sex ed class. Alfie walked in confidently, talking immediately,  
“Okay, I need to inspire some honesty, so I’m gonna need one of you to lie about being gay.” Rem Dogg’s eyebrows knitted together, this could be the perfect opportunity to tell everyone he was bisexual, but as soon as he heard that chuckle come from Mitchell he immediately decided against it, “That’ll make my sex ed class look so pro! You come out then I’ll counsel you, like the bald guy they bring out on Jeremy Kyle.”  
Mitchell was rolling his eyes at how pathetic Mr Wickers sounded, begging someone to come out, just so he could get so action. Then Chantelle suggested she “go gay” for Alfie, on the conditions he watched, which no one was comfortable with. Next Stephen began a big speech about his soul searching, but Alfie interrupted him about how it had to shock people, so he quickly turned to Joe.  
Joe said “no” at least eight times before Alfie interrupted  
“Now don’t over react,” Alfie said as Joe took some of his ventolin, “Joe, just calm down.” He said slowly. Joe continued to refuse, “Please.” Alfie begged, “All I’m asking you to do if be gay for a day. You just stand up in the middle of the class and say ‘Mr Wickers, I’m out and proud!’” Alfie spread his arms for dramatic effect, but it only led to Joe begging Alfie not to do it, “Look, we all go through phases.” Alfie began, but by now neither Mitchell or Rem Dogg were listening.  
Rem Dogg was thanking God that Alfie had picked Joe, and not him, even though Joe was the obvious candidate it was still a relief, and Mitchell was thinking about if he really was gay. Like, he was into fit birds, yeah, but he couldn’t help thinking of Rem Dogg that way, he was probably just greedy, people always told him, if it’s not one it’s the other.  
They were shocked out of their thoughts buy a bus horn, the French exchange students were there. Everyone stood up, rushing out the door to get a good spot standing at the front of the crowd.  
Mitchell put his hoodie up as it was slightly sunny out, and people started to wander out of the bus, that was apparently not from France.  
The first kid off of the bus was a skinny little nerd, kind of like pre-serum Steve Rodger with brown hair. Mitchell heard Stephen and Chantelle sigh sadly, but they quickly drew in their breath and stare as a boy dressed in all white stepped out, a terrible fashion choice if you asked Mitchell.  
“Oh my god! Get that boy to the wheelie bins now!” Chantelle said as other people stepped off  
“Shut up you slag, he’s well bent, innit he Stephen?” Mitchell said, pulling his eyes away from the boy in the stripped top to look at Stephen,  
“Well if he isn’t I’ll bend him.” Stephen said suggestively  
After that everyone went inside, there was a spare period now, so no one really did anything, everyone was just talking about the new students. Mitchell kept thinking back to the guy in the striped shirt, he had a nice piercing too, god he was so screwed. Mitchell refused to believe he was a poof, instead opting to turn to Rem Dogg and discuss one of the girls that got off the bus, not the cutest person ever, but she was alright.  
Soon Form K were sitting in their normal seats, ready for the class, there were a bunch of parents around them. One of the parents was filming the class, which made Rem Dogg very nervous, Mitch patted him quickly on the shoulder before turning back to the front where Fraser was speaking.

“Now, I’m glad you could all make it to one of our live sex shows, sorry, live classes on sex, sex ed class. It’s not a live sex show. Now I know you’re all a little bit worried about your kids mingling with the French students and their dubious sexual outlook, but fear not, because luckily our students are in fact Dutch!” as he said so two of the Dutch boys wandered into the class, taking a seat on the front desks.  
Everyone looked concerned as one of them winked at the parents, but Fraser quickly interrupted the chatter spreading throughout the crowd, “So, enough tickke, bit more tackle, thunk you very much.” He said, walking to the back of the room as Alfie entered.  
Mitchell was stunned as Alfie began to make a fool of himself, even holding up a very badly draw outline of a giant dick, which had everyone disgusted and shifting uncomfortably in their seats. No one had the heart in them to laugh when he said some very inappropriate things, a disgusting display if you were to ask anyone.  
“You don’t need books.” Alfie said, throwing Joes book off of his desk, “Or libraries, all of the answers are in here,” he paused to pat his crotch, “the pant library. So next chapter; sex.” By now everyone was uncomfortable and appalled at Alfie’s behaviour, and most of the parents looked scandalized and disgusted. “I thought you guys should share.” Alfie continued confidently, “is there anything anyone wants to share with the group? Joe?” he said, prompting him, god if this wasn’t the most pathetic display Mitchell had ever seen then he didn’t know what was, “maybe something that you might like to tell us? Some honesty that I’ve inspired?”  
“Nope.” Joe said quickly, Alfie looked disgusted but before he could say anything an exchange student started talking,  
“For me, its all about making everyone happy, it’s just our bodies, guys, lets have fun.” He said in surprisingly fluent English  
“Ugh, right, I’m sorry, we’re not talking about ‘fun’ and ‘happiness’ Hoogaveen.” Alfie said, waving his hands around quickly, “we’re talking about sex, yeah, but if youre not mature enough to share with the group that’s fine.” Alfie said, turning away dramatically  
“Hey, I’m mature enough, you want me to share?” He asked, receiving a quick nod from Alfie, “Well I like to strum the clitoris.” Everyone gasped, some parents drawing away from the students,  
“don’t say that!” Alfie said quickly, whilst some kid in the back of the class asked what a ‘glitorish’ was, and Rosie quickly began to explain before Alfie interrupted her, “Its nothing, its nothing, it doesn’t even exist, it’s a myth.” He said quickly.  
“Wait you’re saying the clitoris is a myth?” Asked Hoogaveen,  
“What is a glitorish?” the kid asked again looking around,  
“Chantelle’ll show you.” Rem Dogg said, pointing to the front of the class, and Chantelle quickly agreed to, but she was stopped by Alfie.  
Suddenly Hoogaveen asked Alfie to share his experiences, and Alfie tried to shut him down by asking Joe to help him out. Once again the kid at the back asked what a ‘glitorish’ was, and Mitchell decided to join in asking what a ‘MILF’ was.  
“Your mums a MILF.” Rem Dogg said to Mitchell  
“No shes not.” Alfie said rolling his eyes  
“That my friend I believe is a “mother I’d like to f-“ he was quickly interrupted by Alfie  
“Fondle, fondle, a mother I would like to fondle! Joe, are you sure theres nothing you wanted to tell us?” Alfie said panicking, there was a lot of tension and electricity in the air, Mitchell and Rem Dogg were having the times of their lives, watching the whole class fall to pieces as Joe finally spoke loud enough for the whole class to hear,  
“I’m gay.” He said tiredly, Rem Dogg had a very pleased look on his face, he was about to be five bucks richer,  
“Mitchell you owe us a fiver, I told you he was gay!” he said tapping Mitchells shoulder  
“Im not actually gay!” Joe said angrily  
“No no no, h-he definitely is a gay.” Alfie said quickly  
“Well are you gay or not?” an elderly woman asked from the back of the room  
“Alfie made me be gay for him.” Joe said, choosing to ruin Alfies situation, everyone gasped, and Mitch turned around to Rem Dogg to exchange ecstatic glances.  
“Uh right, right, I didn’t…” Alfie said  
“No you did, you said if I didn’t go gay for you, you’d send me to Holland to live on a farm.”  
“Hes making this sound a lot worse than it actually was.”  
“Yeah look!” Mitchell interrupted pulling out his phone, “Grayson sent me a photo of them coming out of the ladies toilets together!” The class erupted with conversation  
“Shit, I bought him cider!” Alfie exclaimed, meanwhile Mitchell was still holding the phone up, showing it to everyone who would look before putting it away as Hoogaveen began to question Alfie on his sex life.  
“What was her name, sir?” Mitchell called out, adding to the barrage of questions flying Alfie’s way, “Did she have balls sir?”  
“Was it a man, what was his name?” Mitchell asked quickly. Everyone was talking all at once, the parents squabbling with the teachers, the students bashing Alfie with questions, and talking with each other, the whole class was a mess.  
“I haven’t.” Alfie admitted reluctantly, breaking under the pressure, “alright? I haven’t ever slept with anyone. I-I had a girlfriend for a long time, but she wanted to save herself, it just didn’t happen.” The class was silent, and then seemingly out of nowhere came a single voice,  
“What is a glitorish?”

__________________________________________________________________________________

Mitchell and Rem Dogg walked a few streets before Mitchell turned off and they went their opposite ways. Mitchell got home not long after that, walking into the large caravan and straight to his make-shift room, closing the door and throwing his bag against it and flopping on his bed. He pulled out his phone, opening facebook and creating a group chat with Chantelle and Stephen.  
M: Sup slags?  
S: Hey babes  
C: Lol hey  
M: Would you guys mind helpin a mate out?  
S: ‘Course  
C: Sure!  
M: See I like this person right? But I dunno if they is into me  
S: Ooh girl troubles?  
C: Sorry babes, idk lots about girls, not many at our school r lookin too great  
M: Yeah, but like, you both know lots bout guys, right?  
S: I knew it! Chantelle you owe me a caramel frappuccino soy milk extra cream!  
C: Shut up, I thought he’d wait longer!  
M: I’m not gay!  
M: Wait, you guys were betting on when I’d come out  
M: Which by the way I can’t cause I ain’t bent.  
S: Sorry babes, anyway, who’s the lucky boy??  
M: I ain’t tellin you, gay boy  
S: Fine, but how do you expect us to help if we don’t know?  
C: Come on, pls tell u?  
M: Fine, but if you tell anyone I’ll borrow my new dads rifle, and I know where you both live.  
S: Swear on my Fender handbag  
C: You’ve got a FendeR?? Omg where’d you get it??  
M: This ain’t really a conversation I’d like to be a part of…  
S: Yeah sorry babes  
C: So who is it????

Before Mitchell could answer suddenly his internet cut out, he swore under his breath and he walked out of his room to the modem, it had been unplugged and his parents were sitting at the table  
“Oi what the hell?” Mitchell said, spinning to face them  
“That’s no way to speak in front of your mother.” His dad said, his accent so thick Mitchell could barely understand him  
“Uhh yeah, whatever.” Mitchell said, before turning back to plug the modem in again,  
“Honey, your father and I think you’re spending too much time on the internet.” Mitchells mum chimed in, holding up the plug so he didn’t have to do anymore searching, “we want you to get out more.”  
“I get out plenty.” Mitchell protested  
“She don’t mean when you’re shoplifting with that poof friend o’ yours.” His dad said, and again it took Mitchell a few moments to translate what he was trying to say into barely recognisable English  
“Oi he ain’t a poof!” Mitchell said, going straight to Rem Dogg’s defence.  
“Do it matter?” His mother interrupted  
“Yeah, he can’t just say shit bout my mates!” Mitchell said, storming off to his room, he didn’t care if the internet was off, he could just text someone. He sifted through his contacts, he could always do one of those messy group chats with Chantelle and Stephen, or call Rem Dogg, maybe ask him over for dinner. Actually that probably wasn’t a good idea, he didn’t want his friend to either be poisoned by his mums cooking or be offended by something his dad might say. It was best he just eat the least toxic thing he had left from lunch and then go to sleep.

He walked to his door an opened it up, finding a packet of noodles, they’d have to do. He ate them quickly, brushing crumbs off of his bed as his pulled off his clothes, who needed pyjamas, boxers were just as good. Just as he was falling asleep his phone went off, and he instantly knew who it was due to the custom ring tone of Rem Dogg singing “The wheels on my chair go round and round, round and round, round and round! The wheels on my chair go round and round all day long!” but slurring heavily as it was when he was drunk at someone’s random ass party.  
“What?” He answered his voice husky from his half-sleep  
“You weren’t answerin Facebook so I called ya, duh.” Rem Dogg said loudly, sounds of a party in the background, one Mitchell apparently hadn’t been invited to, Rem Dogg had obviously been drinking  
“Fuck off mate you’re drunk.” Mitchell said, laying back on his pillow  
“No you’re drunk!” Rem Dogg accused sloppily, and Mitchell could hear him downing another drink  
“Where you at?” Mitchell asked, keen to get there  
“Sorry gotta go some birds getting topless talk later!” Rem Dogg said before hanging up, Mitchell sighed, just like Rem Dogg to pick a topless chick over his best mate, though after a few moments Mitchell realized he’d do the same. He decided to get some sleep tonight, maybe go by Rem Dogg’s the next day to tease him about his hangover, and then probably help. Mitchell had to admit, it was quite daring of him to be drinking in the middle of the week and not before Hangover Monday.  
The last thought Mitchell had before falling asleep was how he was probably really lucky he hadn’t been able to tell Stephen and Chantelle who he liked, it would’ve spread faster than the rumour that Pickwell had a wang, which held the record time of 5 minutes and 36 seconds exactly, apparently Grayson had timed how long it’d take for it to get all the way back to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyyyyyyy finished chapter 2 yay im so proud!! sorry it took so long!!!!
> 
> anyone wanna beta it for me, just message me on vintagepen.tumblr.com


	3. Cease and Desist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so sorry for the late chapter, ive just been getting back into school, seeing friend, acquiring a boyfriend, and getting my braces off, so i havent really had time for this. the next chapter will probably be short and just about why Mitchell and Rem Dogg dont seem as to be as close in the petting zoo episode.

The Dutch exchange students were finally gone, and the school was quiet. Mitchell had a bit of a smoke behind the school, hanging out with Rem Dogg before form,  
“I still cant believe it.” Mitchell said, taking another drag  
“Nah, full truth, mate!” Rem Dogg answered, he didn’t really approve of smoking, but he couldn’t really stop Mitchell  
“Frank fuckin Grayson did that?” Mitchell asked again, for about the hundredth time, he was just so shocked,  
“Frank fuckin Grayson did that.” Rem Dogg nodded, the bell above them ringing way too loudly, “right, lets go then.”  
Mitchell put out his cigarette and they walked into form together, after the roll was called Alfie quietened the class  
“Alright guys, I have a little favour to ask of you all.” He called out. Mitchell turned around from where hed been talking with Rem Dogg,  
“Yeah, what?” He spoke for the whole class  
“Well if I want Ms Gulliver to date me, sleep with me, and inevitably sleep with me, I need to seem like an amazing teacher to you guys.” He explained quickly, “Now Rosie’s going to walk by here in the next few minutes, so lets practice, everyone up on your desk!”  
As everyone stepped up onto their desk Rem Dogg just sat around sadly, Mitchell heard Rem Dogg call his name quietly, and turned around, instantly realizing Rem Dogg couldn’t get on his desk himself, so he tapped the random girl who sat next to him and instructed she help him get Rem Dogg on the desk.  
Rem Dogg sighed as he was lifted up, he’d thought this wheelchair couldn’t get any worse, but no, now he best friend and some random chick were lifting him onto a desk.  
Once everyone was up they ran through it a couple of times before they were finally ready,  
“Concentrate! Its important that you remember all of this, alright?” Alfie was looking out the door, waiting for Rosie to reach their room. “get ready, she’s coming.” He counted down before opening the door as she entered.  
“oh captain my captain.” The class chorus flatly. As Alfie started to try and flirt with Rosie Mitchell turned around, smiling at Rem Dogg, before he could say anything the bell rang for their next class and Mitchell hopped off of the desk, and everyone left.  
“Oi Sir, man! You said you were gonna help me down!” Rem Dogg called out, sitting alone on his desk. After a few moments Mitchell walked in  
“Don’t worry mate, I gotcha.” He smiled walking to the back of the room, “now how we gonna do this?” Rem Dogg shrugged, looking down at Mitchell who was now looking into nothing, thinking, “Ahaha! I got it!” Mitchell held out his arms, “get in me arms bridal style.” He instructed, proud of himself for thinking this up.  
Rem Dogg slowly and awkwardly made his was out of the chair, leaning on it for supports, he got to the edge of the desk and dropped less than gracefully into Mitchells arms. Mitchell walked a few steps and put him into the nearest chair, then rolled the wheelchair off the desk, almost being crushed as he tried to lift it, fuck this thing was heavy. When he was done he brought it over to Rem Dogg who happily hopped into it.  
“That was so gay.” Rem Dogg spoke after a few moments of silence,  
“I got you down and I can put you back.” Mitchell threatened him, wheeling him out of the room and in the opposite direction of their class,  
“Where we going?” Rem Dogg asked, looking up at Mitchell,  
“We’re gonna play some Tokyo Sin, then get back before Dickers does, yeah?” Mitchell sped up as Rem Dogg nodded.  
Soon they were at Mitchells ‘house’, Rem Dogg setting up the game, Mitchell getting out some energy drinks,  
“Ready when you are, mate.” Rem Dogg called out, and Mitchell came to sit next to him, handing him an energy drink.  
“Haha, mate, your so off today!” Rem Dogg laughed, grabbing another drink. Mitchell frowned, what had previously been a fun, exhilarating game was not pissing him off to no extent,  
“Fuck you.” Mitchell replied, gritting his teeth and trying to focus on the screen again, Rem Dogg shrugged it off and they got back to the game, but again his eyes were involuntarily dragged away from the screen to watch Rem Dogg, the look of concentration on his face, the gentle curve of his back as he leant forward, how his tongue stuck out a bit as he tried the more difficult combos.  
Mitchell paused the game angrily, “Class will be starting soon” he spoke gruffly, throwing an energy drink in Rem Doggs backpack. He had a few in his too, theyd each spent all of last night playing Tokyo Sin. Rem Dogg was confused as Mitchell wheeled him away, chucking the controller at the couch.  
“What the fuck, Mitch?”   
“We’ve gotta get to class.” Mitchell clearly wasn’t in the mood to talk, he was so angry at himself. One for losing at Tokyo Sin, and two for being a fucking bender, his parents would kill him. Rem Dogg stayed quiet as they went into class, he was frustrated too, Mitchell was being such a twat. As they both sat down Rem Dogg pulled the energy drink out of his bag, taking a long sip, finishing it almost instantly. Rem Dogg pulled out another one, happy he’d stolen a few from Mitchells place.  
Everyone’s faces rested on the desks, and Rem Dogg was just starting his fourth can as Alfie walked in, the only person who wasn’t tired was Joe, he hadn’t been able to get the game.  
Mitchell looked like he’d been asleep for weeks when he finally woke up after hearing the name of the game, “Yes, bruv! Tokyo Sin is dench!” he called out, pulling himself off of the desk.  
“Hang on, hands up if you’ve got this game?” Alfie said, sitting down at the front` of the room. Everyone’s hands shot up, except Joes. “Typical, Joe. The only one of my crew with a little bit of sense”  
“It’s just that it’s an eighteen and my mum won’t buy it for me.” Joe said. A few people in the class scoffed as Joe continued, “If only I had an adult friend who owed me big time.”  
“Sir, Tokyo Sin is just a craze.” Stephen interrupted

“Yeah but you don’t get crazes though, do you sir? Cause you’re older than that condom you got in your wallet.” Mitchell chuckled  
“Sir doesn’t get crazes, ‘cause he went to a posh boys school. Too busy playing quidditch with David Cameron.” Rem Dogg added, earning a laugh only from Mitchell,  
“Right, I didn’t go to Hogwarts. And look, for the record, we had crazes too.” Alfie defended himself, “Pogs! Mmm, now there was a craze, who remembers pogs?” All the students looked confused, not one of them had ever even heard of pogs. “Pogs?” Alfie’s voice raised, he couldn’t believe it, “Oh you missed out! Pogs were amazing! You had these little cardboard disks, right?” Alfie continued to explain what pogs were with wild hand gestures, but when no one in the class showed any interest he admitted they hadn’t aged too well.  
At the front of the class Stephen and Chantelle had begun to do some of the moves from the game, prompting Alfie to ask about their personal interest in the game. Meanwhile Rem Dogg had riled himself up, he began to think, ‘what the bloody hell got into Mitch. Not like id done anything wrong. Except be freaking wicked at the game.’ He was shaken from his thoughts at the sound of Mitchell addressing the class,  
“Anyone done blitz kick yet, the finisher move?” He began to explain what it was, using sound effects and large gestures.  
“Course I have, I got bare tekkers.” Rem Dogg said smugly  
“Yeah but you play on PC don’t you, that shit iss old, where’d you find it? Ya nans vag?” Mitchell was in the mood to get into a fight with someone, namely Rem Dogg, and he appeared happy to oblige  
“Least my sister aint lesbian.” Rem Dogg replied accusingly  
“She aint lesbian.” Mitchell replied quickly, no one talks shit about his family  
“She goes to university.”  
“And?”  
“Uh everybody knows university’s for lesbos!” Rem Dogg replied, like it was the most obvious thing ever  
“Oh do one, Grand Turismo!” Mitchell turned around, huffing angrily  
“Oh you two, stop flirting.” Alfie said, Mitchell turned around at Rem Dogg angrily, he so wasn’t flirting, was he? Before he could think more about it Alfie continued, “Look, when I was your age I had an N64. And that had far better games on it than Tokyo Sin.” He sat back in his chair and finished proudly, “Zelda.”  
“Watcha do in that one, sir? Dress up like a bender and play the flute?” Mitchell called out  
“It was an ocarina.” Alfie said, insulted by Mitchells ignorance  
“Oh wow, ‘an ocarina’!” Mitchell did an impression of Alfie, “bet that helped you get the ladies.” He said, looking over at some girls sleazily.  
“Yeah, it did actually. Mitchell. Maybe I should lend it to your sister.” Alfie’s voice was cold and hard, seemingly like his heart in that moment,  
“Told!” Rem Dogg called out as the rest of the class laughed  
Alfie quietened the class down, “Look, the point is, you’re all very young and impressionable, and a game like this is dangerous because it is encouraging you to be violent.” Alfie sounded very professional, almost like an actual teacher. And then he continued, “That said, I am going to need you to get hold of some weapons; bats, flick knives, chains, think outside the box. Bring anything you find into lunch.”  
The class looked smug as Alfie let them go way too early to find weapons, they had more than half an hour until lunch, so everyone was pretty lazy about finding things.  
Mitchell spent the time standing behind the school having a smoke alone, and lost in thought. He thought about what he’d been doing in class and almost swallowed his whole cigarette when he realized what he’d been doing after almost half an hour of deep thought; he’d been projecting his sexuality onto Alfie, and then overcompensating. He slumped against the wall and dropped down to sit on the wet grass, and pulled out his phone, calling Stephen,  
“Hey babes?” Stephen answered, clearly at the mall  
“This is going too far.” Mitchell began  
“What is?” Stephen asked, confused  
“I’m not a fucking bender; after all, I’ve liked chicks before!” Mitchell said, ready to rant.  
“Ooh, continue.” Stephen said gently, he knew he’d be having this conversation with Mitchell at some point  
“ I really don’t need this, people think I’m the straightest bloke ever! I can’t lose that, I don’t want people thinking I’m a soft pansy! No offense…”  
“None taken, keep going.” Stephen replied, listening intently  
“This can’t be happening!” Mitchell said, getting distraught, “My parents will hate me!”  
“Calm down, babes, deep breaths.” Stephen said, he hadn’t expected Mitchell to break down like this,  
“Rem Dogg will hate me!” Mitchell said, suddenly coming to a realization, “Rem Dogg.” He voice got deeper, almost dangerous,  
“Mitchell, calm down.” Stephen said walking back to the school, shopping bags in hand  
“He fucking did this.” Mitchell said angrily  
“It was bound to happen eventually babes, you can’t blame him. Calm down”  
“Rem Dogg made me a poof.” Mitchell spoke quieter so no one would here, gritting his teeth  
“No he didn’t, no one did”  
“Well I wasn’t a poof a year ago Tinkerbell,”  
“Well maybe you’re not a completely bent…” Stephen suggested  
“What you mean? You’re either bent or you aint.”  
“I’ll tell you later babes, right now I need to get back in school, and I stil don’t have a weapon.”  
“Shit, neither ‘ave I!” Mitchell hung up and put his smoke out, getting up and walking to the cafeteria, trying to think of something that might pass as a weapon.

A few students from Form K were already in the cafeteria when Chantelle, Stephen, Joe, Jing, and a currently unnamed character that bears no importance walked in. None of them bringing any proper weapons. Next Mitchell walked in, taking the opportunity to use an old shirt and get rid of his useless textbooks.  
“What are you wearing?” Alfie asked angrily as the alarm went off when Mitchell walked in  
“Ninja mask, innit? Make them outta old t-shirts.” Mitchell replied, his voice muffled by the shirt on his face  
“Take it off.” Alfie said, pulling the shir toff and dropping it in the box for supposed weapons, “Wht have you got to hand in?”  
“Oh, ‘ere we go.” Mitchell dropped a bunch of text books loudly into the box  
“This is your science homework.” Alfie said, taking the books back out  
“Knowledge is power, sir. And if I become a brilliant scientist I could destroy the whole world, in the flick of a switch” Mitchell looked off into the distance, a dangerous expression passing across his face.  
“The only thing you could contribute to science is your body. Now go away/” Alfie shoved the textbooks back at Mitchell and sighing with Rosie at the lack of weapons.  
Mitchell leaned over the table in front of him, discussing his plans of world domination with Jing. Whislt he was wrapped in riveting conversation he didn’t notice Stephen eyeing him warily. He couldn’t believe this calm and collected Mitch had been freaking out over the phone less than an hour ago.  
Stephen left the table to get his lunch, encountering Grayson and a plate of Mac N Cheese  
“Mac and cheese? Get that plate away from me.” He instructed, distressed  
“Why, Glee?” Grayson asked  
“I have an allergy, that plate could kill me.” Stephen responded  
Joe stepped away, telling Stephen what a bad idea that was  
“Mac attack!” Grayson said, throwing the dish into Stpehens face, who began to scream and try to rub it off his face as he knelt down on the floor. Grayson was laughing as he watched on, but not for long, soon Stephen was standing up, stone faced, and the next thing Grayson knew, Stephen was above him,  
“Consider yourself blitzed.” He said coolly, then he turned to Joe to celebrate. Soon everyone in the cafeteria was fighting like in Tokyo Sin, people being slapped, punched, and kicked, everywhere. It was a teachers worst nightmare, but it got a lot worse when a news paper was published, featuring the brawl in the lower left hand corner.

At the end of lunch Stephen was in the main office with Grayson, and the rest of the class were waiting in the room for Alfie to enter. When he did he immediately turned on a self-defence video, featuring racists and republicans, not that the two are very different. When the clip was finished Alfie turned it off awkwardly,  
“So… I would ignore all of that. Um… what you have to remember is that that video was made in a time… when people were…” he trailed off, trying to find his words, eventually settling on being blunt, “racist.”  
“Then why did you show it to us?” Jing asked softly  
“Because, Jing, teachers live by an ancient code as old as time.” He said simply  
“Which is..?”  
“If you’re out of your depth, put on a video.” Alfie gestured towards the bulky screen in the corner of the room, behind it were a bunch of tapes with pretty much every serious topic imaginable on them. “Look, what Stephen did in the canteen wasn’t cool…”  
“Well it was. Grayson’s a prick.” Rem Dogg chimed in  
The class nodded as Alfie spoke again, surprisingly softly, “Agreed, but you cant lash out like that.”  
“What if someone’s giving you beef?” Mitchell asked  
“Turning the other cheek will always be the best policy.” Alfie replied  
“What like Neville Chamberlain did with Hitler?” Mitchell challenged  
“Why do you only ever remember history to prove me wrong?” Alfie said   
“要突出你的愚蠢” Jing answered  
“Yes, Jing, and Tiananmen Square.” Alfie said as an answer to something he didn’t understand, “Look, what is the deadliest animal on the planet?” He asked, moving on  
“A tiger.” Rem Dogg answered quickly  
“No, the human being, we’re all biologically conditioned to fight. The deadliest weapon on the planet is the human brain.” Alfie corrected him. The class then went on to have a quick discussion involving land sharks and badgers before they were interrupted by Stephen and Frasers entry.  
“Mr Wickers, I’m just returning Stephen.” Fraser said, bouncing into the room  
“Did you apologise to Grayson?” Alfie asked, masquerading as a responsible adult  
“I told him to swivel.” Stephen answered, strutting back to his desk.  
“See, proof that everything can be resovled with words.” Alfie said to the class  
“What bout Israel and Palestine?” Mitchell piped up  
“Oh, stop learning.” Alfie answered walking back to his desk to go on the internet for the rest of the class, but before he could even get halfway there Fraser made him join him in his office. As Alfie left he instructed Jing to continue teaching the class, and she excitedly stood up and walked to his desk.  
She leapt into a speech about the history of the Battle of Towton, but Mitchell drifted off, instead thinking of his current predicament. He wasn’t gay, but he also was, his best friend had ruined his life, and the one person who could help him turned out to be a lactose intolerant ninja with anger issues. Great. He was snatched away from his thoughts as Jing snapped a ruler down next to him,  
“Mitchell, pay attention!” She boomed, no one ever expected it and the whole class flinched, “Well since you seem to know so much about this subject, tell me, at the end of the battle who were swept away in the current of the river they had to cross to get back to where they came from?” she quizzed  
Mitchell sat for a moment in silence, trying to recall what he’d read. No one ever expected him to know things, but he read a lot about everything, and he studied programming and hacking, it was a pass-time of his that was also a very valuable skill. After a few moments he finally answered, “Uhh, The Lancastrians, innit?” he asked  
“Lucky guess.” Jing said, walking briskly back to the front of the room to continue her enthusiastic rant.  
__________________________________________________________________________________

The bell rang for the next period, Gym, just as Jing finished her summary of the lesson. Surprisingly a lot of people had actually paid attention, even Mitchell tunning in every now and then, before going back to his despairing thoughts.  
In Gym everyone was sat in chairs, with crash matts in front of them, a chatter running through the small crowd, Mitchell opting to sit a few people away from Rem Dogg. There were crash mats out the front, and a buzz of excitement in the air.  
Everyone’s attention was brought to the front of the room as a man who could only be described as “a man who was overcompensating and probably bad sever sexual harassment and assault charges filed against him” began to talk.  
“OK, listen up, you rag-tag pack of cock suckers!” he called out in a thick accent, his language shocking the whole class  
“Right, okay. Can we reign in the homophobia a little in front of the children?” Alfie asked politely  
“Yeah, keep your plug in, dick tickler.” The man said ignoring Alfie, and instead slapping his ass. The class chuckled as Alfie stood there shocked, and the man continued, “So, personal safety. Who wants to know how to throw a one-inch punch?”  
Mitchell hadn’t been listening up until that point, we was too busy trying not to look at Rem Dogg, which was a surprising amount of work. Everyones hands shot up, but Alfie shut it down before it began.  
“Obviously, we wont be doing that as this class is about avoiding violent situations.” Alfie said, but Mitchell was already drifting off and caught the last bit of what he said, “Arent you, Preet? How to spot trouble”  
To which Preet answered “ Yah, racial profiling. It used to just be Blacks, now Asians are tricky too.”  
“That’s inappropriate. Um, shall we…” Alfie started  
“OK. Volunteers. Who wants to dance?” Preet asked the class  
As hands shot up Alfie calmly said, “I will do it.” The class was dismayed. Whilst Alfie and Preet had a quick discussion Mitchell began to drift off again, but was brought back to earth as Rem Dogg was called on. As Rem Dogg began to wheel up Alfie took his place instead, going to change into his kit. It was a few minutes before he was back, and everyone erupted in laughter as Alfie entered,  
“Yah, that’s better, puss. Now you’re ready to play with Daddy.” Preet said, scratching his crotch, as Alfie stood in front of the class miserably  
“Right. Um… Now, it is very important to remember that we are not condoning violence. What we are going to show you now is absolutely the last resor-“ Alfie’s sentence was cut off as Preet grabbed him, demonstrating the choke hold.  
The rest of the lesson was filled with violence and homophobic slurs. Alfie kept trying to teach the students a moral lesson, but Preet consistently proved him wrong with riot batons, and, if it had gone Preet’s way, high heels. Just as Preet was about to get a Taser Alfie began to scramble away, but was tackled by Preet.  
“No. no! Hey, pass me the Taser, bro, come on.” Preet coached Stephen, as Stephen got up Alfie began to beg for help  
“Stephen, no! please, someone, help!” He called out  
“But sir, you’ve been telling us not to!” Stephen stood, holding the Taser, conflicted as to what to do  
“I was wrong! A hundred percent, definitely wrong!” Alfie said, his face squished into the ground as Preet continued to try and get the Taser from Stephen. Suddenly Joe tackled Preet off of Alfie, who instantly got up and grabbed the Taser from Stephen, and got Preet right in the chest with it, the classes mouths hanging open.  
Mitchell chuckled as the class walked out the door, going straight home without even making eye contact with Rem Dogg.


	4. Intermission 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Intermission 1 of 2

Mitchell threw his bag down roughly, hearing something break, but he didn’t care right now, he was fucking furious. He slammed the door behind him, locking it quickly, he didn’t want his parents disturbing him tonight. He flopped onto his bed, opening his laptop up, and immediately messaging Stephen  
M: so what the fuck do I do?  
S: oh hey babes, this still about your bi thing?

M: what bi thing?  
S: how you were freaking out about being bi, remember?

M: do I look like I even know what bi is?  
S: oh, babes, it means you like guys, girls, and everything in between  
M: so im not gay?  
S: no, genius, youre not! aaahhh! its so cute! im not the only queer bloke now!!  
M: calm down billy elliot, so im not straight, what now?  
S: you try to get some, that’s what!  
M: but I want some from a straight guy  
S: trust me babes, remmie is so not straight  
M: yeah, but he aint into a bumming either  
S: you never know!

Mitchell logged off quickly, not wanting so much false hope. He starred up at the roof for most of the night and thinking, before finally rolling over to grab his phone and check his messages. He had 3 from Stephen, and about 16 from Rem Dogg. He opened up to his conversation with Stephen quickly;

S: so I just told remmie you guys needed to talk  
S: aahhh whoops?  
S: good luck babes!!

Mitchell swore and opened the conversation with Rem Dogg, seeing he wasn’t currently online took the pressure off of him to respond right away

R: yo mitch  
R: youre probs busy shagging some bloke but billy elliot said you wanted to talk

Mitchell smiled slightly at how theyd both just called Stephen the same thing, he wasn’t sure why it made him happy, but it did

R: so what is it?  
R: get online you twat  
R: you gon’ tell me bout your lesbo sister?  
R: hah, geddit? Your sisters lesbian  
R: aaahh classic  
R: seriously tho, whats up?  
R: mate come on, hurry your ass up and get online  
R: what on earth are you doin?  
R: you betta not be getting bummed by some guy

~~Message Deleted~~

Mitchell wondered for a minute what Rem Dogg had gotten rid of, but shrugged it off and continued to read

R: well im gonna sleep now  
R: sleep well mate  
R: message me when you see these

R: or ill go screw your mu- oh wait, too late :P  
Mitchell shook his slowly, Rem Dogg mustve been really tired when he wrote that insult, it was goddamn pathetic. Mitchell thought for a bit before typing out his reply, deciding to go for an insult rather than tell Rem Dogg to forget it

M: just wanted to tell ya that ya looked even stupider today than normal  
M: you make that wheelchair bulkier somehow?

Mitchell rolled over to try and get some sleep, it was already 2AM by his clock. Just as he was drifting off he heard his phone buzz in quick succession

R: heh.. yeah  
R: just to piss you off, mate

Mitchell smiled and rolled over, choosing sleep over a conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just doing two quick intermissions before i continue with the episode plot


	5. Intermission 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some good old Rem Dogg angst (which im awful at writing)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, i totally forgot this fic existed! im super tired rn, so this is all i can give you, but there'll be more later!!

Rem Dogg was woken up by his phone buzzing on his night stand, rolling over he smiled into the blinding light of his phone to see that Mitchell had responded, but frowned as soon as he actually saw the message. He responded quickly then turned his phone off completely. He sat in silence for a while until he choked out a quick sob, composing himself again for a second before he couldn’t control himself any longer and broke down into a pile of tears and snot.  
He didn’t go to school that day, and spent most of it lying in bed, occasionally he got up to piss, but that just made him feel worse. Every time he looked at his wheelchair he felt worse, let alone when he used it. His parents tried to get into his room, but he just yelled at him to piss off, which surprisingly worked.

Around four in the afternoon his phone started buzzing, and Mitchell’s custom ringtone played. Rem Dogg forced himself to answer, pulling himself together.

“Whats up?” He said casually

“I aint seen your ass at school today, mate, whats with that?

“Been busy, what of it?” Rem Dogg answered defensively

“Nothin, just didn’t ‘ave a ride to school.” Mitchell laughed, obviously referring to Rem Doggs chair.

Rem Dogg hung up instantly, suddenly angry- no, fucking furious. Hed spent all day crying over this ass, only for him to make fun of his disability, again. He got out of bed sighing, he hadn’t eaten enough today. It took one look at his wheelchair for him to decide hed rather walk to the kitchen and break his legs than get back in that thing.  
He leant on what he could the whole way to the kitchen, eventually sitting up on the bench as he tried to pick a food from the open fridge. He settled on a banana, getting down from the bench and peeling it as he sat on the floor. His parents were out that night, probably at some fancy restaurant for their anniversary or something; Rem Dogg hadn’t paid attention when they left.  
Rem Dogg threw his banana peel in the direction of the bin before trying to stand up, falling down pitifully. Instead of trying again he crawled over to the alcohol cabinet, grabbing the strongest drink he could and downing it. He relished the heat as it rolled down his throat and he thought back to when his wheelchair hadn’t seemed like such a burden. It seemed like so long ago, and honestly, it was.

After a while everything started to get blurry, and Rem Dogg began to drag himself back to his bedroom. Halfway there he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror, and a loud sob escaped his mouth, he looked so fucking useless, and felt even more pointless. He took another swig of his bottle before throwing it against the wall, it shattered into piece upon impact. He started crying and yelling to himself, not caring if anyone heard  
“So fuckin pathetic! No wonder he don’t love you, just look at yourself!” he screamed, crawling close to himself in the mirror. Tears streamed down his cheeks, his lips twisted into an ugly frown, “you could never give him what he deserves! Youre nothing!” he yelled into his reflection, scraping his hands down the smooth surface, “you aint meanin shit! Like he’d ever go for you! Fucking faggot!” he screamed and cried.

After what seemed like hours his parents were home, rushing forward and pulling him away from the mirror where he was still crying, and carrying him back to bed, hushing him gently.

“Shhh, baby, mums here, youre fine.” His mum cooed, tucking him under his blankets,

“I’m not fucking fine, I’m a cripple, I’m useless!” Rem Dogg argued, looking desperately at his mum

“Wouldn’t we ‘ave gotten rid o’ ya if we thought ya was useless?” his dad said jokingly, making Rem Dogg chuckle a bit as his eyes started to flutter shut. His mum sat on the bed beside him, running her hands through his hair as she sang him to sleep, worry in her eyes, but not in her voice.

_heart beats fast, colours and promises, how to be brave, how can I love when im afraid to fall. But watching you stand alone, all of my doubt suddenly goes away some how_

Rem Doggs eyes fluttered shut as her sweet voice embraced him, and thoughts of what life would be like without the chair filled his head.

_One step closer, I have died every day, waiting for you. Darling don’t be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years, ill love you for a thousand more_

Behind his eyes a scene began to play out. He and Mitchell were out in the snow, making snow angels together, his chair long forgotten as he got up to run and throw snowballs at his best friend without the fear of his bones breaking at any moment.

_Time stands still, beauty in all she is. I will be brave, I will not let anything take away what’s standing in front of me. Every breath, every hour has come to this. One step closer._

He threw the white powder at Mitchell as he got hit on the heart by one of his friends snowballs, he brushed it off to continue playing, but deep down he knew it was symbolic of how something so innocent such as Mitchell making a joke had hurt him so much.

_I have died every day, waiting for you. Darling don’t be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years, ill love you for a thousand more. And all along I believed I would find you, time has brought your heart to me, I have loved you for a thousand years. I’ll love you for a thousand more._

As his mother’s voice got quieter whilst she finished singing the chorus for the third time his dream played on. The snow started falling, and he and Mitchell went inside, having hot coco, wrestling in front of the fire, playing ‘ring around the rosy’ and it all felt too perfect.


	6. Lets Go Hiking! Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part one of episode 4, finally!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im uploading this in parts just cause ive left you all waiting long enough~!

Rem Dogg had woken up early to be able to get the only wheelchair accessible spot on the bus for their excursion; Mitchell on the other hand had almost missed the bus completely, just getting on before Alfie, luckily getting two whole seats to himself. As the teachers and the bust driver began to talk Rem Dogg was drifting off into his own world, a better world where he wasn’t a goddamn bender, or cripple for that matter. He was brought back to reality as Mitchell threw some paper at Joe, and complaining. Rem Dogg drifted away again as the driver attempted to tell another racist joke as he took a breath of air from his oxygen tank, Christ this was going to be a long day.  
People on the bus laughed and screamed as the driver talked about nothing and everything. Alfie walked down the aisle to Mitchell, stealing the minis he’d taken from his brother, who’d taken them from an airline he worked at. Before Mitchell could get chewed out more Stephen interrupted,  
“Why’re you wearing those heinous boots?” he asked, cringing  
“They’re just hiking boots, what’s wrong with them?” Alfie said, slightly insecurely  
“It’s just those and that hair, makes you look like a guard in a women’s prison.”  
“These are my outdoor clothes; we’re going to the country side.” Alfie said like it was the most obvious thing ever, “Bear Grills says you have to be prepared for anything. Which is why I am also rocking one of these bad boys.” He said, unzipping his jacket to reveal possibly the most terrifying accessories ever created by mankind. It was an orange harness, full with utility belt, spork, and a-tiny-bit-too-tight crotch straps of some kind; truly a thing of nightmares. “Multi-purpose utility harness.” Everyone looked utterly disgusted, everyone’s eyes going to his groin, well, everyone’s eyes except Joes,  
“Is that a spork?” Joe asked, dumbfounded  
“Yup, for those tricky little jobs that a fork just can’t handle.” Alfie said like he was in a commercial  
“Is it supposed to be that tight…” Joe asked, now joining everyone in watching Alfie’s crotch  
“Yup,” Alfie breathed, “Cant feel a thing…”  
“Japslap!” Mitchell called, hitting Alfie’s groin, causing him to double over, cursing at Mitchell who laughed in return.

As Alfie went on to talk to Chantelle about more personal issues Mitchell looked out the window, paying attention as Rem Dogg spoke up from the back of the bus,  
“Sir, why cant we go paint ballin’?”  
“Because it doesn’t benefit an academic subject.” Alfie shot back  
Rem Dogg thought for a second before replying, “Art?”. With that Alfie went back to the front of the bus, raising the topic of paintball with Rosie.

Rem Dogg sat back laughing as Stephen screamed at the people throwing balls of paper at him and Joe made out with the window. He tried to keep his eyes off of Mitchell as he mooned everyone out the window, but he couldn’t help it if his view occasionally darted there, it’s not like he was actually thinking of doing anything, just looking. He snapped himself out of it, wheeling into the bathroom to splash some cool water on his face, which ended up smelling like piss.

Soon they arrived “Grub wood Farm: Tring Ink Museum and Petting Zoo” which had to have had at least thirty seven health code violations in the one “lobby” everyone was standing in as a shifty looking farmer began lecturing them on animals and tape worms. As he showed the class a tapeworm he’d fished out of a weasel that morning everyone looked on in disgust, except Mitchell and Rem Dogg who looked bloody impressed. AS the chance arose to ask questions Rem Dogg jumped in,  
“Why do cows have so many tits?” he asked, but before the boring man could respond properly he was interrupted by Rem Dogg asking another question, “How come you can call dogs bitches but not bitches bitches?”  
“Rem Dogg, behave.” Rosie said sternly  
“Would you rather be a boy with a dogs head or a dog with a boys head?” Joe asked  
“Well obviously a boy wi-“ The man began, before being interrupted again, this time by Mitchell  
“Oi worms, My mate Rasheed, yeah? Said he found a beak in one of his McNuggets, see I thought the chicken lays the nugget, does it not lay the nugget then?” he asked innocently.  
The questions just went downhill from there, and the trip was destined to be a complete mess.

Rem Dogg was wheeled up the front with Alfie, Rosie, and most of the class, Mitchell choosing to drag behind and give Rem Dogg some space,  
“Oi sir, look, hes got shit on his dick!” he exclaimed, laughing at the poor animal as everyone rolled their eyes and continued walking, stopping a few seconds later as they reached a truly sad sight,  
“And now, kids, uh prepare to be amazed by Swinomus, the Rhinomeum, or the Rihnopig…” the farmer said awkwardly as a pig with a plastic horn strapped to its head was revealed in a small cage, the children bursting into laughter as Rosie looked on horrified. She dragged the crowd away to the next part of the tour, her face twisted in utter disgust at the abuse of these animals.

“Who here thought ink was boring…” asked the farmer to the small group, everyone’s hands going up, including Alfie’s. “who here takes a newspaper…” and no hands went up, “has read a book…?” again, no hands were raised. “Can anyone tell me where ink comes from?”  
“A pen.” Joe shrugged  
“No…” the farmer replied, defeated  
“Well it does come from a pen, doesn’t it?” Mitchell interrupted  
“Yes, but..” The farmer began as Rem Dogg drifted off to sleep.

He had the most wonderful dream, it was him and Mitchell again, but this time they were at the beach. It was slightly warm and shady, the perfect weather, but it didn’t seem to matter, all that mattered was the feel of sand under his toes as he walked along the water side, god, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt that in real life, he missed it. He looked up along the beach and saw Mitchell running towards him, arms outstretched, his tan and toned body quickly embracing Rem Dogg’s in a genuine hug, fuck he missed that too. He held Mitchell tight, kissing his cheek softly before pulling back, Mitchell beaming at him. He grabbed Mitchell’s hand, dragging him into the surf, diving under as soon as he was far enough out, swimming freely under the water, pulled up by Mitchell a second later,  
“Mitch?” he asked happily, a smile stuck on his face,  
“Don’t swim off without me, mate.” Mitchell said, wrapping his hands around Rem Dogg’s waist under the water. They were both standing flat footed, their shoulders and up the only things out of the water.  
“I’d never leave you behind.” Rem Dogg said, his hands running up Mitchells chest to his shoulders, swaying his hips slightly. Mitchell pulled him into a tight hug, pulling back and planting soft kisses up his neck and along his jaw,  
“Tastes like salt water.” He grumbled, a hand running through Rem Dogg’s hair  
“If you gon’ complain that don’t do it.” Rem Dogg rolled his eyes, pulling Mitchell down into the water. As soon as they broke the surface Rem Dogg woke up, back in the cold drab farm house, being wheeled quickly away by none other than Mitchell. He chose to stay silent, pretending to still be asleep as the entered the bus.

They were lost. They were horribly lost. And theyd hit a pig. Great, they were horribly lost and had just killed an animal. Fucking perfect  
“If anyone asks, the pig hit us.” Alfie hissed to the bus as Rosie went out to check, everyone nodding. Rosie stepped back into the bus holding a plastic horn from the pig at the zoo. This was just getting better and better. As she stood up the front, asking for someone to come forward with information about the pig Rem Dogg started to nod off again, he felt like he hadn’t slept in years, but hed literally just had a nap, and it didn’t feel like the hangover drumming at the back of his skull. This day couldn’t possibly get worse. He was knocked back into concentrating on the matter at hand as the toilet door hit his head, yup, today was shit. The bus driver walked out of the bathroom, instantly manhandling Alfie before being sat down and given some oxygen as hed gone too long without his tank.  
Alfie soon began putting together a “brilliant” plan, gathering his class and Rosie to go on a rescue mission, cross-country. He made the foolish mistake of bringing along a reluctant Rem Dogg, seriously, why would you bring the kid in a wheelchair to do cross-country hiking?


End file.
